My Journey (so far)...

a narrative

age 5 - 24, apostasy

Like many in America and across the world, I was taught to say the words at an early age. I remember my conversion, you'll later come to understand when I say, I said the words, at age 5. I was essentially scared into 'accepting' Jesus into my heart. I was told about Hell and how bad a place it was, and how awesome heaven was. That my parents were certainly going to heaven and I didn't want to be apart from them. From that point, I believed I was a Christian. We attended various churches, I never liked any of them. Generally though, as kids go, I was a good one. I obeyed my parents, I earned their trust and for the most part, I never violated it.

At 16 I had a real conviction against a particular church, called Bethel Baptist church in Byron Bergen, NY. Knowing now the real meaning of Bethel, it's a wonder they named it that, though it's negative imagery was certainly fitting, in my mind at least. My future wife attended there...her family had attended a bible based church school and I believe were essentially thrown out of that church or left over some unhandled, or inappropriately handled matter. They ended up at Bethel. Since my parents, for a time, did not attend church due to their own embittered battle with a church, and I fancied my future wife, I decided to attend with them. What I found and really what I spent most of my time doing, is challenging those in authority. There are many reasons for this, not the least of which was and for the purposes of this narrative I will focus on, my battle with legalism. This was later revealed to me as my fight with head knowledge versus what some call "heart" knowledge. Anyway, I would fight and argue, because this society of believers held on to rules that with even my tertiary knowledge of the Bible, I could easily say..."the Bible doesn't say that"... I spent so much time trying to "help" others think and realize that they were being fed a handful of doggie poo, and because they were accepted in the society, ostensibly by abiding in these rules, they too willingly spoon fed fecal matter into their faces. At a certain point we left that church, but I tell it to you, because certain aspects of the character I displayed show up later in life....hold that picture.

Then I got married! 19 years old, a kid on the way, a chip on my shoulder so big that it hit and killed people every where I went. Those who know me, or have had one of those themselves know exactly what I'm talking about. I spent the better part of this time looking for something I had know idea how to find. I was looking for a church that could feed me, challenge me, grow me and mostly, agree with what I already thought I knew. I had no concept of church history, reformed theology, doctrines of grace...what I knew was I had the Bible, I said the words, and Roman Catholics were evil...I still had my tendancy to evangelize, teach others, even out of my ignorance, to love people, and have a desire for them to know God, but I had NO inner peace, no joy, nothing I was COMPLETELY sure about. Everything I had was a "pretty good idea" and because of the nature of my personality, I was able to convey that I strongly believed. Because of my above average grasp of the English language, coupled with a strong intellect, I could convince others that I believed. I didn't even know what believing really meant, for at the age of 23 I said, (concerning assurance of salvation) "no one REALLY knows until the end".

At the age of 22 I committed one of the most despicable acts of my short life on this earth. One that I thought not even possible for me to commit. For it shook everything in me...I couldn't believe that someone who claimed to be saved, someone who knew God could EVER do that. Either I must not be saved, or God can never forgive me. For a YEAR, I cried everday on the way to work, begging his forgiveness, never feeling forgiven. Up to now, I've never really thought about that...I suppose that level of hopelessness is exactly how someone in hell would feel. Hell being separation from God. Eventually I got over my self pity and moved on to other things, not realizing that my anger for God and contempt for his utter LACK of intervention in my life, was growing.

age 24 - 27, what is love

At 24 years old, after being fired from now my 3rd job, all while my pay steadily decreased, my ability to provide going sideways, my wife angry...and her not being a full person to begin with adding stress to our marriage, while feelings of utter inadequacy, coupled with a strong desire to prove myself all culminated to one point. I remember the evening with exceptional clarity. I pray God that you never let me forget. While on the phone to my father, lamenting my own plight, desiring for anyone to rub my back and tell me it would be okay...he offered me some scripture that was so bitter in my mouth that I puked up bile. Not really of course...my bile was in the form of words. And yes, I said them.

"God has failed. I'm his servant and he's failed. I don't see him, he's not here. If he does exist, he's some place far away. (then I quoted scripture) Malachi 3:8-11.

Soon after this event, I was confronted with a teaching on money. While I will not go into it, let me tell you what happened. God used a mens Bible study and in particular, one of his servants, Kim Hinkle. He cut me, drove me, plundered me, beat me, pillaged me, and pulverized me...he broke me on himself.(Christ). What became my awakening, my realization that I didn't know God, and while my theology states that I was always saved, I did not always truly know God. At 24 I had a heart conversion for Christ. And for a season, God gave me financial rest. Bear in mind, I'm woefully unequipped in my theology, my doctrines, anything of the sort. I'm a newborn baby...feeding on the milk and wanting meat, but being unable to understand. So I spent the next three years facing something else that has been a real challenge for me and ultimately was the starting point of this journey.

My marriage. I can tell you that I LOVE my wife. Sonya is the most beautiful thing to me, she's my helper and I would die for her without a second thought. But I've never loved her, until I realized what love was. To do that, God had to show me through his son what love really is. There are many practical definitions, there are many inaccurate definitions but I'm going to show you the one that God showed me. Because at this stage of my life, still a babe, what love is, through his tender mercy to me.

Love is, perfect acceptance of that which is unacceptable. That's a contradiction you might say...no. I was born unacceptable. I was born apart from God and could do nothing of my own free will but sin. If you understand, though I didn't at the time, how putrid sin is to God, you begin to realize that YOU embody that quality to him. So, then, there is nothing lovely about me, I'm not even good looking to God. He taught me that he accepted me and that if I was to love my wife as she deserves, then I must do the same for her. Sadly, though I learned this message, I was not without failure. I again entered into sin, I again fell from her, I fell from God, I was angry, not at God, but at my wife...which was an expression of my unbelief of God. I still didn't believe. I knew who God was, I had a sense of who he was...but I was still learning. There was no firm root in me. As long as I could stay encouraged, I would follow God, but after a drought of encouragement, I was to fall, again, and again, and again and again.

age 27 - 29, I've never been obedient

I can't fully explain all the details, and even know I know this is probably much longer than you'd signed up for, but I have some great jewels in here. At 28, committed to my wife, endeavoring to love her we entered a company called GSI, it was to be my latest failed attempt at working. I would be fired for performance...when my performance was exceptional. This story, if you sit with me will be repeated throughout my life. God has used my work to show me many things about himself. I took a 20k pay cut to go there; the majority of my trials there produced self-pity and high emotional discharge. My wife an I were sincerely struggling to get a long. After all, I'd used my sin against God to hurt her, to use it against her as some means of retribution for all the perceived hurts of mine. Marriages rarely survive the event, much less someone who's supposed to be leading his family, torpedoing the ship with a vengeful attitude and news of near death proportions...We were doing our best to get a long, I was trying to accept her and make amends for my indiscretion. Enter GSI. The loss of income proved much more devastating than I anticipated, however with hope in hand and a desire to do better, I put forth my best effort and at every point of opposition, I doubled down on this bet. My emotions however were completely out of control. I would blow up over stuff that didn't matter and I would pacify things that were monumentally important. All while I'm trying to hold a marriage together with a woman I'm desperately in love with, but we can't seem to show each other.

I remember the day;

"Sonya I don't really feel like you're handling your responsibilities here at home and I would really appreciate..."

(Sonya) "well, I don't feel like your handling your responsibilities of providing for this family!"

That cut. Deep. I was very hurt. How could she say that? Didn't I take a pay cut to make things better? Wasn't I laboring day and night for her? To try to provide? I was so hurt and angry that the inhibitions that were firmly under control, I purposely released control over. No more needs to be said than that. Suffice it to say that I had pity parties and invited as many approbation givers as I could. The fall out of that created something in Sonya that scares me, and frankly hurts worse than insults or even neglect....indifference. God uses all sin, to prove himself to you, either in condemnation, or in grace. Here's how he used mine.

March 5th 2009; my journal entry excerpt:

I've had some interesting discoveries while I've been on this trip [to san francisco on business]. I want to capture them here but also the feelings around them. Probably most disturbing is my sense of right and wrong continue to be eroded to a point where only self serving thoughts preside. It appears I tend not to think in terms of right and wrong, rather beneficial and non beneficial for "Joshua". This is bothersome to me. (More on that in a minute).

The other discovery is that I have no concept of how close or far away I am from God I really am. I operate as though I'm in control, but I'm really not.

I've been struggling for what seems like years now in this funk of self-pity. I didn't used to think it was self-pity, but something about this trip has made me realize it.

So with this new sensibility it makes sense why church, tithing, a good attitude and all these things have been so hard for me. I'm wallowing in self-pity, hoping something better will happen to me. I don't want to be fake, I want to be real and driven by realistic things. I do want to live dangerously for Christ (and for the doozy) and to be what he desires me to be.

End of excerpt:

3 months later to the day, I was fired for performance at 90 some percent of my number year to date, in what people have later speculated was the worst economic decline since the great depression. This started my current journey of which I'm 8 months in and counting. I know that this journey is a small window of time and I'm not wasting a moment of it.

It's called;

age 29 - A Call To Obedience

Since that day, and fully by the grace of God, he's given me the faith to trust him. And he daily tests it so that "I" can know that it's real. He doesn't need to know, he can't be taught, he knows already. So the test is for ME!

I didn't know it, but I was being called to obedience. Do you know that I'd never felt a call, well that's not true. I'd never had a conviction for obedience. I'd felt like I "Should" be obedient before, but I was easily dissuaded by those proffering total grace... So my desire to be obedient in the face of this world, to the vain speculation of others, never was fully consummated.

My knowledge and paradigms about God have been shaken to their very foundations. Everything I thought I knew, I didn't know, or it was predicated on knowledge or a source that was untested. YET, I packaged it up and sold it to others lock stock and barrel as though the USDA had their stamp of approval on it. Remember the first age? I was guilty of the very thing I accused others of...and I've done it. Shoveled fecal matter into my face at a rate that would shame even the best Olympic athlete.

Part of the shift was to reveal to me my character, my God given character. To help others think, even though I need that too. To demonstrate my apostasy, so that it's beneficial to his body. To be a minister to my family, because I was too focused on things outside my family. God gave me these desires, even though their fruit early in my life was not rooted in a knowledge of him. They were rooted in the character that he made me...now that he's drawn me to him, the character can be expressed in praise and glory for him! That was his work, not mine! And it continues today.

During this short trial, I've been called to obedience. I can point to sin in my life that is no longer existent. I don't even have the temptation. God has removed it from me. Specifically pornography. I wouldn't say that I had a huge problem with it to begin with. Mostly it was a tool for me. Yet, I had no idea how much poison can affect the other portions of your life. This day there are certain words that trigger a sexual image. Especially when I'm church or talking to fellow believers. My frustration with that temptation has always been with me, however what has never been there is the hope that someday I might be free of it. I can tell you that the Lord has begun to free me of it.

What's also interesting is how many people rebuked me for my desire for obedience. These people were Christians. I've since adopted the saying that if you want to scare people and start a riot, talk about your faith with fellow "believers".

I've also become more keenly aware of my sin;

• Pride
• Anxiety
• Fear
• Doubt
• Lust

To be honest, these were NEVER on my radar before. I thought it was a good day when I went home and hadn't killed anyone.

Finally, the best conclusion so far. Back to my marriage, God has given me a portrait, that sustains and validates the need for my love of my wife. Well beyond sex, intimacy, emotions or yes, even the desire to "accept" her as I learned in my 3rd age. He's shown me that SHE is to ME exactly what I am to HIM. She's a picture of me to Christ. A sinner, desperately in need of the love of Christ, no matter how well I communicate my need for God, Christ recognizes I need him and he loves me so, he's willing to scourge me. This is now how I love my wife. As though she's lost and a sinner, so completely in need of my love that she may not even be able to express gratitude. I once didn't understand what dying for your wife meant...now I understand; it may require physical death, but more often than not, it will mean putting her first, by loving her, in-spite of her ability to return the favor.

How, with this information could I possibly abandon Sonya, as I once seriously considered?! May it NEVER BE! The strength I draw, I draw from Christ and my interaction with his holy truth, not by the vigor or commitment of my human spirit, but the hope, by which I can cry out, abba, father! DADDY!

My eyes have been opened on so many things that if I were to write the anecdotes it would fill volumes. One thing is lasting, and one thing is obvious to me.

God is real. And he really loves me. And he really saved me.

My next post will be all about spiritual warefare, since this is one of the biggest things my eyes have been opened to.