As I've aged, my communication and choice of words has changed. I've become more adept and interested in explaining the minute details that blows a picture up and gives it flavor. It's easy to paint with broad strokes, but more difficult to spend the time to add the level detail that creates mental pictures that last. In this, I find it difficult to explain. I lack the words or even the experience to know how to relate it to myself, even more so for others. Certainly I could paint with broad strokes and that would alleviate some of my desire to let others know of my change, but how to make it last...how to make the picture complete so that we can appreciate the vastness and intricate nature of the change. You see, I'm a painting on a living canvas. From far away, I look like just any other painting...but up close, the details boggle the mind. Not because of the greatness of the canvas, but because of the immense nature, creative genius, willful desire and perfectionism that must be the painter. I'm not praising the painting friend, I'm praising the Painter.
To say that I "see" things differently is an understatement. Part of being regenerated and going through paradigm shifts has evolved my thinking. I won't say progressed, because that gives the wrong meaning. I can't tell you, linearly speaking, where I was and where I am, only that change has taken place. It could be 17 steps back or 1 step forward, or 3 to the side; everybody now! However, certain characteristics are different...and enough time has passed now for me to believe that the changes share a couple of qualities;
They are;
- Permanent
- Not from me
- Set me apart from the majority of peoples
- Define what I see in the Bible, even before I read it
Here are some of them;
- I am free of certain types of sin...
- I'm deeply aware of others that I knew not to even contemplate, that is, I didn't think at a level deep enough to imagine that anxiety was sin, anxiety, pride, fear, doubt...
- I have a desire to be holy...(that's a big one for me)
- I feel FREE!
- I've learned to reduce my pride and increase my grace
- I've learned to become Christ to my wife
- I've learned to be a pastor to my family (and to not desire leading others before I lead my family)
- Tear the Bible apart and read it cover to cover, bite down hard and suck the juice out, chew hard and let it become part of me
*now for the scary part; for all change has both positive and negative attributes.
- I discern spirituality on a much deeper level, as to be able to see and understand certain things of the spirit...even oppression of myself by spiritual forces.
- I see death everywhere, self professed Christians whose lives have not been changed
- destruction
- I look at buildings and I don't see a dressed up building, I see a war torn landscape with zombies walking everywhere.
- I walk into churches and know to have my guard up
- I see Satan at work in families, Christian families that claim to know the living God
- I see people drowning everyday in ignorance of the things of the Father, neither having a passionate desire to know him
But...I have hope, I have faith, and I have love. I've set my eyes on Christ so that I don't sink. I tremble as for what is next, but the Father has me in his hand firmly, no matter how I might try to jump out.
