First let me say that I don't intend this to be a "standard" post in the sense that I normally layout a case, support it and refute opposing points. I do have a couple points that I would like to make though.
In my post on the "marriage narrative" I described how men are the cause of 99% of the happiness and problems in a marriage. The generational linkage is pervasive and the failures of fathers lead to the failures in their boys and girls. Girls don't know how to submit to their husbands and boys aren't taught how to be men and lead. This, is probably the singular most prevalent reason for such high divorce rates. I can get more granular and descriptive, but suffice it to say that the problems I'm describing are caught in the envelope that I just described, in one way or another.
So I ask, is divorce ever the right thing to do? To consider this question in the most appropriate and honoring way to God, we must start with his word.
When a man hath taken a wife, and married her, and it come to pass that she find no favour in his eyes, because he hath found some uncleanness in her: then let him write her a bill of divorcement, and give [it] in her hand, and send her out of his house. And when she is departed out of his house, she may go and be another man's [wife]. And [if] the latter husband hate her, and write her a bill of divorcement, and giveth [it] in her hand, and sendeth her out of his house; or if the latter husband die, which took her [to be] his wife; Her former husband, which sent her away, may not take her again to be his wife, after that she is defiled; for that [is] abomination before the Lord: and thou shalt not cause the land to sin, which the Lord thy God giveth thee [for] an inheritance.
Deuteronomy 24:1-4
It's clear that according to Deuteronomy that there is really only one cause for divorce. But then this is also the old testament law, and while it's basic importance cannot be underestimated, it's better for us to use a new testament revelations to determine our answer.
Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Messiah also loved the assembly, and gave himself for it;
28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. 29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Master the assembly: 30 For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. 31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. 32 This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Messiah and the assembly. 33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.
One of the things that should start to become evident, is that the marriage relationship that we understand as humans is one that is modeled after our relationship with Christ. It was a foreshadowing to the early Jews and is a model to believers post-Christ resurrection. There are a couple of things to consider here.
Phillipians 2:10 so that at the name of Jesus EVERY KNEE WILL BOW, of those who are in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
Clearly there is a requirement to be in a relationship with Christ. Else, what is your fate? You aren't married to him. So, I ask again, is divorce ever the right thing to do?
Well, let's put it this way. Marriage is more than the words you say in front of a priest and it's more than signing a piece of paper. It's a relationship where the man is REQUIRED to love his wife and the wife is REQUIRED to submit/respect the husband. Those are the only two ingredients described in all the Bible. So it would be easy, as I have, to conclude that if this is not present, if these key elements do not exist in a modern day marriage and ostensibly never have; neither did the marriage.
Divorce is not appropriate, but I believe it's important to understand what divorce is - here are a few items I think that can help with the distinction:
Does the husband love the wife by accepting her totally, good, bad, ugly and counting it all as acceptable?
Does the wife submit and respect her husband for everything he is and is not regardless of her personal desires?
If these elements never existed in real tangible form, from either party, you were certainly never married. If they existed at one point, but over time and because of selfishness you've allowed them to disapate, then you have a choice. You can re-instate them (read my marriage narrative) or you can decide there is no relationship. Which there isn't. But that does not preclude you from the sin of divorce.
The reality is this, there are a great number of Christians who stay in "marriages" that never were established in in the model that Christ provides us. They are based in sex, longevity, a personal challenge, co-dependence or some other perfunctory reasoning. And for this, men and women alike are trapped without the tools to make a relationship; this brings misery. So people just eventually accept the sin of divorce. There is an answer.
First, you must determine if there was ever a relationship - I trust after reading this, you'll understand what that means. If you discover there is/was or there is the potential of one, you MUST stay and work through it. In order for this to take place, you must assume your role, completely. By obeying God, he honors you and blessing you for your desires as they honor him. Harmony comes in the home when the relationship is real and honors God. Before that is accomplished everything that looks like harmony is a false pretense. It's not real and even if you feel like you love someone, or that there is harmony, it's not. It's false, it's fake and it's dead. How do I know that?
Read "a marriage narrative" but suffice it to say that love is not an emotion and it's not only an act of your will. It's the unnatural desire to accept what is unnacceptable. To empty yourself of desire for what you want and fill yourself with the acceptance for that which is putrid and disgusting about your mate. Why must you do that?
Without full acceptance of what is awful about someone, you cannot truly say you love them, for how difficult is it to love what it is good and beautiful about someone? When you can do this, you're modeling how Christ loved us and how that love covers our sins. This is our salvation friends. This is perfect love. This is how husbands love their wives and when wives submit to their husbands it's as a person submitting to Christ. It perfects the relationship.
In conclusion I do not believe divorce is biblical for any reason. Even in the case of infidelity. I'm not standing against scripture here, since it does provide for that instance. I am however boldly stating what is accomplished through the will and love og God when it is mdeled in his children. When men love their wives completely, as described above and when those wives quiet their hearts and submit themselves to their husbands, a perfect relationship exists. Short of this, there is no relationship and I feel no obligation to maintain a "marriage" where no biblical relationship persistently exists.
17 comments:
The "new" law does not allow for divorce, while it was allowed under the "old" law.Malachi 2:14-16 - for I hate divorce, says the Lord
Matthew 5:31-32
Mark 10:11-12
Luke 16:18
Romans 7:2-3
Exodus 20:14
Deuteronomy 5:18
Matthew 19:3-10
Luke 18:20
But in general I agree with the premiss of your post.
A marriage is made up of three people (so to speak) the husband, wife and God.
I've been dealing with this issue for some time now. It's always a hard subject, but I'm tired of watching people throw away their lives for dogma. And that is really just the beginning.
Yes it is a hard subject, and I am sorry that you have been having issues with it.
but I'm tired of watching people throw away their lives for dogma
Throw away their lives for dogma? Care to elaborate?
I'm not personally struggling with it. I'm watching people around me deal with it. I headed that off at the pass, thank the Lord.
RE: Throwing their life away from Dogma.
I mean specifically a person who believes they can't get a divorce. That is their first and seemingly only priority. When really the first priority should be, is there a relationship here that honors God, then considering if legal divorce is appropriate.
Dogma being - honoring the words of God over their intent.
So if one partner is abusing the kids, the other should stay?
Define stay.
stay might imply - keep the marriage intact. The answer is yes. Leave the home for a time, and require the spouse to seek counseling. If they don't, they either aren't submitting or don't love, in which case there is no relationship...back to 1....
I disagree with much of your post on so many levels.
You are taking the Word of God and making it something that it is not, and for what purpose? To make yourself look like you are smarter than others because you see something that they do not?
What you interpret from the Scripture is uninspired heresy and I am ashamed of you.
Annie
Annie,
I appreciate your feedback. I'm not sure how I'm trying to 'look smarter' as you put it.
This may not be a conversation that we've had before - but frankly this is something that I'm used to dealing with.
In the end, this post can be summarized in a simple phrase, marriage is a demonstration of our relationship with Christ. Christ rejects those who do not submit to them. Am I not given that same authority?
Bear in mind, I'm not talking about a single offense, nor am I talking about actual full divorce in every case. Many people need to learn who to accept themselves that is the root of the problem in their marriage, not submission or love. What I AM saying, is that if you have that, if you do accept yourself and your spouse and no matter what you do they will NOT submit, I'm sorry annie, their is NO relationship their. There may never have been. The obligation of preserving the marriage is wholly dependent on the existence of a relationship.
I'm interested in your response.
Also - let me re-read this. I make mistakes. Maybe I mis-stepped here.
Yeah - I re-read it. I stand by it.
I believe that you are absolutely and unequivocally wrong in saying that if people get married without having the Christian-marriage-ideal relationship (submission/love) – either in the beginning or ever – that that means the marriage never really existed. And I believe that it is irresponsible, as a Christian touting this as what God “really means”, for you to post such things in a public forum where others could be led astray by your hypotheses.
I believe that you do not understand the first thing about divorce and all that His Word teaches on it, even in relation to a marriage relationship, and I believe that you are misinterpreting (I hope not willfully) the Scripture in order to fit a presupposed idea of the Christian relationship dynamic.
I look forward to fleshing this out in a way you can understand in the near future.
Annie
I don't know that you can really make a case for divorce. I've been thinking about what I wrote and what you said and I don't really see support for it anywhere in scripture. I think it's easier to justify what we want to justify, right? But then that brings me to, "I have never been in the situation where I might have to get a divorce, so what do I know?" I have a tremendously hard time not sounding judgemental but holding to the truth just the same. I hate that.
p.s. I meant to say that I don't really see support for what I said anywhere in scripture...which sort of leads me to, "You have to take the Bible in its entirety or not at all. You can't just adhere to what's convenient."
I'm not sure what to think but maybe this will help everyone including myself. I have been in a relationship for 11 years and married for 7 of them. We just bought a house and have 3 children, the youngest is 1. Within this past year I have had my house forclosed on which led to the findings of many situations that involve my husband and other women. I have tried to work things out but it seems everytime we talk he runs and now he has left and won't talk to me at all. He hasn't been with the kids and he has taken every kind of support out from under us. I have lost over 20lbs, can't sleep, battling depression and taking care of 3 kids on my own with no answers as to why this is really happening. The most I have gotten for an answer is I just don't feel like being married any more. We are going for the divorce in the very neer future and I am beside myself over the entire situation. He won't go to counceling and he offers me nothing to cope with what is going on. So am I wrong for getting the divorce if he is unwilling to work on things? Am I really supossed to just deal with it until he realizes what marriage is all about? I told him I want my husband back and he said it is never going to happen. How do I fix this if he wont allow it? How am I wrong for getting the divorce when that is what he wanted? Am I really failing the marriage by giving into what he thinks he wants(divorce) instead of continuing to tie him down when he no longer wants this? The way I see it is a marriage is a bond of love between two people that can not be broken by anything that stands in the way. I am very loyal to my hhusband and my vows and there is nothing he could do/say to make me love him less but he just doesn't want me anymore so what do I do?
Brokendreamz,
I'm in awe of your comment...
First things first; your burden of sin because of divorce is unfounded. You share no penalty for your husbands infidelity, nor his decision to divorce you. You're not failing because he wants to divorce you. I wish I could hug you and hold on. I am in awe of your commitment to your husband, it shows something great about you, that God himself put there.
Second, any person holding down the financial and family situation that you are needs affirmation. Let me say WOW! You are stronger than you may give yourself credit for.
I'm troubled by your comments because it breaks my heart that this kind of thing exists in the world. I'm truly empathetic for you and I'm willing to offer what ever support you can make use of.
Lets now go to the most important thing that I'd like you to think about and remember in these times. As troubling as this may sound to an unbelievers ear, God himself is in this. Your husband is sinning. Period. If you are part of an assembly that follows scripture you can ask some of your church brothers to go rebuke him. Then, if he won't listen to them, have him brought before the church, if he'll listen (he probably won't). If he won't, YOU know where he stands.
Now for the tough part. The marriage...I won't advise you to get divorced, but realize you submitting to your husbands desire is not sinful. Don't be shamed by your husband or guilted by Satan. If you did not create this, and you don't want this, you're not sinning to submit to it. It is for this very reason that the bill of divorcement was created. Men would essentially divorce their wives socially, but they would remain legally married and the woman who generally could not support herself, had no options.
I want to again encourage you, your devotion to your husband is beautiful, and I'm in awe of it. Your husband has been put with you so that you might better know who the living God is. What you need to focus on is God, then yourself, then your children. For if you do not focus on God you will be of no lasting to value to anyone, and if not yourself, you'll be of NO value to your children...and if not your children, they will never know how to endure difficult situations with confidence.
It may seem counter-intuitive to focus on reading your bible, attending worship, fellowshipping with other believers...(you might read this as carry on like nothing has changed). But I assure you, that it is the Lord your God who provides all things, in him are all things made, and held together by HIM are all things. Lean not on your understanding, and in ALL WAYS acknowledge him. He will straighten your path. Cast yourself before God and let him deal kindly with you. I'm not being super spiritual or trying to give you an answer that doesn't have impact...I'm trying to tell you that all things are accomplished through faith in God!
Unbelievers don't accept or want to believe that, but his word says it's true! Don't take my word for it; read it yourself!
Mathew 6:24-34 this is for encouragement.
2 Timothy 3 this is so you know what you're dealing with
Romans 6 - this is so you know how you should be acting
Proverbs 31 - this is to know who you are.
Maintain your loveliness, it's what God made you with.
Sadly your husband knows not what he's losing.
I could say a lot more practical, earthly advice, but in all my experience, practical earthly advice has always failed me, but God never has.
In Christs Love.
Joshua.
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