Is Divorce Ever The Right Thing To Do?

First let me say that I don't intend this to be a "standard" post in the sense that I normally layout a case, support it and refute opposing points. I do have a couple points that I would like to make though.

In my post on the "marriage narrative" I described how men are the cause of 99% of the happiness and problems in a marriage. The generational linkage is pervasive and the failures of fathers lead to the failures in their boys and girls. Girls don't know how to submit to their husbands and boys aren't taught how to be men and lead. This, is probably the singular most prevalent reason for such high divorce rates. I can get more granular and descriptive, but suffice it to say that the problems I'm describing are caught in the envelope that I just described, in one way or another.

So I ask, is divorce ever the right thing to do? To consider this question in the most appropriate and honoring way to God, we must start with his word.

When a man hath taken a wife, and married her, and it come to pass that she find no favour in his eyes, because he hath found some uncleanness in her: then let him write her a bill of divorcement, and give [it] in her hand, and send her out of his house. And when she is departed out of his house, she may go and be another man's [wife]. And [if] the latter husband hate her, and write her a bill of divorcement, and giveth [it] in her hand, and sendeth her out of his house; or if the latter husband die, which took her [to be] his wife; Her former husband, which sent her away, may not take her again to be his wife, after that she is defiled; for that [is] abomination before the Lord: and thou shalt not cause the land to sin, which the Lord thy God giveth thee [for] an inheritance.

Deuteronomy 24:1-4

It's clear that according to Deuteronomy that there is really only one cause for divorce. But then this is also the old testament law, and while it's basic importance cannot be underestimated, it's better for us to use a new testament revelations to determine our answer.

Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Messiah also loved the assembly, and gave himself for it;

28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. 29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Master the assembly: 30 For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. 31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. 32 This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Messiah and the assembly. 33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.


One of the things that should start to become evident, is that the marriage relationship that we understand as humans is one that is modeled after our relationship with Christ. It was a foreshadowing to the early Jews and is a model to believers post-Christ resurrection. There are a couple of things to consider here.

Phillipians 2:10 so that at the name of Jesus EVERY KNEE WILL BOW, of those who are in heaven and on earth and under the earth,

Clearly there is a requirement to be in a relationship with Christ. Else, what is your fate? You aren't married to him. So, I ask again, is divorce ever the right thing to do?

Well, let's put it this way. Marriage is more than the words you say in front of a priest and it's more than signing a piece of paper. It's a relationship where the man is REQUIRED to love his wife and the wife is REQUIRED to submit/respect the husband. Those are the only two ingredients described in all the Bible. So it would be easy, as I have, to conclude that if this is not present, if these key elements do not exist in a modern day marriage and ostensibly never have; neither did the marriage.

Divorce is not appropriate, but I believe it's important to understand what divorce is - here are a few items I think that can help with the distinction:

Does the husband love the wife by accepting her totally, good, bad, ugly and counting it all as acceptable?

Does the wife submit and respect her husband for everything he is and is not regardless of her personal desires?

If these elements never existed in real tangible form, from either party, you were certainly never married. If they existed at one point, but over time and because of selfishness you've allowed them to disapate, then you have a choice. You can re-instate them (read my marriage narrative) or you can decide there is no relationship. Which there isn't. But that does not preclude you from the sin of divorce.

The reality is this, there are a great number of Christians who stay in "marriages" that never were established in in the model that Christ provides us. They are based in sex, longevity, a personal challenge, co-dependence or some other perfunctory reasoning. And for this, men and women alike are trapped without the tools to make a relationship; this brings misery. So people just eventually accept the sin of divorce. There is an answer.

First, you must determine if there was ever a relationship - I trust after reading this, you'll understand what that means. If you discover there is/was or there is the potential of one, you MUST stay and work through it. In order for this to take place, you must assume your role, completely. By obeying God, he honors you and blessing you for your desires as they honor him. Harmony comes in the home when the relationship is real and honors God. Before that is accomplished everything that looks like harmony is a false pretense. It's not real and even if you feel like you love someone, or that there is harmony, it's not. It's false, it's fake and it's dead. How do I know that?

Read "a marriage narrative" but suffice it to say that love is not an emotion and it's not only an act of your will. It's the unnatural desire to accept what is unnacceptable. To empty yourself of desire for what you want and fill yourself with the acceptance for that which is putrid and disgusting about your mate. Why must you do that?

Without full acceptance of what is awful about someone, you cannot truly say you love them, for how difficult is it to love what it is good and beautiful about someone? When you can do this, you're modeling how Christ loved us and how that love covers our sins. This is our salvation friends. This is perfect love. This is how husbands love their wives and when wives submit to their husbands it's as a person submitting to Christ. It perfects the relationship.

In conclusion I do not believe divorce is biblical for any reason. Even in the case of infidelity. I'm not standing against scripture here, since it does provide for that instance. I am however boldly stating what is accomplished through the will and love og God when it is mdeled in his children. When men love their wives completely, as described above and when those wives quiet their hearts and submit themselves to their husbands, a perfect relationship exists. Short of this, there is no relationship and I feel no obligation to maintain a "marriage" where no biblical relationship persistently exists.